New Location

The new location of this blog is: http://jkshadesofgrey.wordpress.com/

Home At Last

For the last five days I have been gone, gone from the rush and the clatter of life. Was I inspired, inspired to rise above the tumultuous, dry sorrowful state I had been in. 

Yes.

The Grand Canyon's savage beauty drew me out of my dreary lul. 

Highlights:

Hiking down a little into the canyon and climbing back up at a break-neck pace

Watching the sunset on multiple occasions 

Taking my laptop to a overlook and writing on the edge of the canyon (my top highlight)

Spending time with family

Watching the ravens

The splendor of the place is jaw dropping and I as I stood and gazed a the infinite vastness, life filled me.

Loneliness still haunts me and stress still plagues me, but inspiration has begun to bubble in my soul.

be still

Inspiration

In the coming week I am hoping for, inspiration, awe and joy. Next week I am going to the Grand Canyon,   (which means I wont be blogging) and I am praying that it brings me out of this emotional lull.

I need More life

More passion

More will

More happening

I am TIRED of the sad, slow state I am in, of the mindless doing and the lack of thinking. As I look back on the wonderful times where my life has been so full and so passionate, I think can there be hope?

Yes.

There is always hope, for the broken, the crushed, there is Always hope. For Life, for joy. Through the pain and the suffering, the heartache and the bitterness, the self hatred  and the judgment, there IS hope.
I am reminded that I must push through, but at the same time rest in the peace of God.

"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide, all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."
J.R.R Tolkien

be still

P.S. Hopefully by the time I get back I will move on to a different subject.

Strip Me

This month so far has been dry, lifeless. I am waiting for the storm, and I feel it coming. Stress, confusion and turmoil have stolen my emotions in the last few weeks.

Strip Me, bring me back to my core, reignite the fire inside. I am waiting for the passion, the life. A friend told me yesterday. "Maybe the thing that is coming is so big you will be glad you had this break."

I hope so.

Lethargy, sorrow and pain, I need renewal.

I want the dance of life, the raw passion.

Passion rebuilds and restores, it  feeds yourself and others. Passion brings life, and joy.

be still

Waiting

I am waiting, for something.

The Rain

The Wind

The Still Voice

The Cleanse

Inspiration

I am tired of the dust, the heat, the empty feeling inside, I burn for the light, the life, the expression, the dance, the joy of passion.

I am waiting for a new season, a shift. A cleansing rain, a new passion.

be still

Out of Control

I woke up this morning feeling, emotionally drained, dry, like I just didn't care. I was riding my bike down the hill I live on, and I saw the sunrise, beautiful, it snapped me out of my emotional lull, but it kept me thinking.

Why do I sometimes feel so dry, am I miniscule, powerless, a tiny ant on a sidewalk?

I don't know.

I have felt like this allot lately, is it because I am so mad about my friend leaving on sabbatical (it's not like they are leaving forever), maybe my stress about the unknown in the coming school year, frustration about the direction my beloved home-school group is taking.

I don't know.

But I must have faith that it WILL get better, I may not be in control but God is.

Faith through the pain, Faith through the suffering.

be still

Joy

The stuff of life, one of my main reasons for living is to experience and give Joy.

Things that have given me joy in the last week and a half:

Having a good friend throw me an early surprise birthday party

Developing two wonderful new relationships

Starting this new blog

Welcoming closure to an issue that has been eating at my soul for a LONG time

Allowing myself to sleep long and deep

Chatting with a friend about the future of my book

Getting dirty and not caring 

Meeting with God every morning

Consistently writing

Things that have caused negative feelings/actions:

Missing my morning bike ride two times in a row

Dealing with frustration at the coming departure of a friend

Handling judgment, self and otherwise

Dealing with the consequences of almost obsessive introspection

Not feeling God in my writing/productivity

Feeling a lack of creativity

Fortunately today my negative list is shorter than my positive list, but I can assure you it is not always this way. I try to be positive, don't we all, but I most often fall miserably short of my goals.

Joy gives life, it replenishes, it fulfills, it cleanses. Live in Joy, don't forget.

be stil

  

Rhythm

Some days, I don't feel like getting up and riding my bike (today), or eating healthier, or writing (horror!) And then I kick myself all day knowing I should have pushed through and just made myself DO IT.

And then there are the times I feel motivated, empowered, alive.

Why? Because I am human. Thats why we feel sometimes uninspired and sometimes bursting with ideas.

Go with peace, tap into the rhythm of what is right for you.

I need to wait, breathe, rest, know when to go on a bike ride and when it is ok to just sleep, and let go of the gnawing guilt and the pain.

be still

Dark Horses

We are all Dark Horses, we may try to hide it but why?

Of late, I have been feeling judged (by some), loved (by most) misunderstood (sometimes), like a Dark Horse. We are who we are, embrace freedom, love life, dance with joy. You are special, I am special, we are special. Don't let anyone knock you down.

Embrace Diversity

Don't Judge

We are all Dark Horses. Don't fight it go with it, it's stress free, God made you that way. Pain, self-hatred, they are all lies shake off the chains. 

I hate myself sometimes (allot). I feel unworthy, unloved, hurt. I feel as though I can't rise above.

But I have got to rise above.

I have been to that place of true self-hate, I am NOT going back.

Renew, Refresh, Re-Grow. Dance, sing, listen to music, pray, write, love, be loved.

be still

 

Creativity=Life

Creativity: The use of Imagination, Imagination to create something new in the mind. 

I like to think of creativity like a spring sitting in our hearts, except this spring is not always running sometimes it is a well and we have to laboriously draw water from it.
Water: the fruit of Creativity,  it cleanses, nourishes it expresses. Some people say that they are not creative,  but I think creativity can be manifested in many different ways.

Self Expression, is one of the greatest gifts we have as humans (in my opinion) how ever you express should bring you joy and life. Creativity is a tool for creation, expression, and love. It is for the joy of God and the joy of ourselves and others. God wants creativity, Divine (don't use that word much), Pure, Wonderful creativity.

be still

New beginnings

I like to keep things raw, natural, tangible. I write from the soul.

I am starting a new blog, and I have a better feeling about this one then the last two (or three).

This blog is a landfill, a garden, a sanctuary, a runway show of emotion, it is what ever I need it to be. I know that you should not expect something certain from me, but you can expect something real. Life, emotions, knowledge, are like Shades of Grey.

be still